Another brick in the wall..

Well, well. Back at it again. It seems the only times I have to actually write in this blog is when I’m doing some sort of scan or test. Once again I’m in my cell, letting a radioactive isotope run through my veins to see if any of my demonic cancer cells are procreating….not a very pleasant thing, but it is one of necessity. I thought my scan in April would be the first of my yearlys, but I guess they wanted one more at 6 months just to be sure. So, soon I will find out if my body has been good, or if there is more going on than meets the eye. I feel good. And people say I look good. So, if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck…
Anyways, life is going well for me. I’m working at a different job where I only work 3-4 nights a week, so I’m getting more time for a chance at rest and relaxation. I have actually taken more mini vacations in the last three months than I have in the last three years. Quite amazing what you can do when you have 3-4 days off to do whatever. My soul is definitely feeling more soothed and I feel I’m much more at peace with life.
Well, it’s that time to go get my body scanned. Here’s to being cancer free one scan at a time!

One More Time….

Being a local to Statesboro, Georgia, the term One More Time is a phrase used frequently to describe Georgia Southern University’s football program. This is the motto of Georgia Southern. It was coined by Coach Erk Russell after the team’s 1986 National Championship when he said, “Hey ladies, hey fellas, hey gentlemen, hey everybody, one more time for the greatest team in America!” The phrase ‘one more time’ was forever immortalized and to this day is used often. And even though I am using it today as a part of my blog, it has quite the different meaning to it than ol’ Erk meant for it. See, for me, this is just one more PET scan, one last checkup, before they should deem me in remission. Just one more time before I can finally say that I beat you, cancer. You didn’t prevail and take my life away from me. You didn’t make me succumb to your evil and twisted ways. You were of no match to the awesomeness I ooze out of every pore of my skin ( okay, yeah, I went overboard with that one). Victory is mine for me and all my supporters. And with this PET scan, it’s just confirmation, cancers white flag, that my battle is over for now. Kinda surreal, yet so fulfilling. This path has changed my life, mostly for the good. It has let me see clearly now the priorities and necessities that are my focus instead of just an afterthought. I’m living my life with more freedom and peace, doing things that I pushed off saying that I would get to them one day. I realized, that maybe, you wont get that other day and you need to live your days as if they would be your last. Do you want to say on your last days, I wish I could have or I’m glad I did? I’m now making personal decisions to do things that make me happy so that I can enjoy the days that I have been graced with. I’m singing in not one, but two bands…in a dart league…recording music…going fishing…enjoying life. It’s sad that it took an experience like this to make me realize that life is short… So today, as a get my last PET scan, I’m content. I’m strong. I’m confident. I’m happy. Alive! And when my yearly scans come up in the future, I will give that familiar war cry us Statesborians are so accustom to hearing at the beautiful Allen E Paulson Stadium…I will be cancer free….One More Time!!!

Man, I’m slack…

Another 6 months has rolled around without a post from me during my journey, and yes I know that is slack. I told myself I would keep on this while I was going through good and the bad of my sickness. I guess since I have basically gotten back to a normal lifestyle, I completely forgot about writing it all down. Life was happening and I was experiencing it. I have gotten into that rut of ” I don’t have time to…” But that should never be an excuse in life. “I don’t have time” is truly “I’m not making the time…” Which can be summed up in saying that my effort is lacking. So, yes, I have been slack about writing down what has gone on during my travels down the path of Lymphoma. And with that, I apologize to you, and myself, for not doing what I said I would. And that is keep you updated. So, now that this blog is officially 2 years old, I am going to recommit myself to it. Maybe this will transcend into an awesome blog that everyone will want to read. Maybe it will help others out who are going through what I went through and see that you can overcome the odds and get back to normalcy after cancer. This morning, I have a maintenance treatment scheduled to help my body fight against a sickness I don’t feel anymore. This should be the second to the last treatment I will need before going on the once a year scan to make sure this beast doesn’t make a comeback. I can’t wait until the day they can take my port out because there would be no need of it. That will be my day of reckoning! That will be the day that I say that, without a shadow of a doubt, I beat cancer!!

Dark calm and cool..

The words to describe this room the size of a small jail cell as I wait to get another PET scan. Crazy to think I still get nervous while waiting, but I guess there will always be that tiny, minuscule nugget of fear that this foe might rear it’s ugly head again. But I take this in stride with my daily life and do what I do to keep on living. It’s been over a year since my last RCHOP treatment and I still have 3 more maintenance treatments to go after today, but I feel after all is said and done, once a year scans will be all I need. Another milestone to reach in this ongoing war on Cancer.

Calm before the storm….

It’s almost been 11 weeks since a CT scan was performed to show multiple lymph nodes were swollen in my body, leading to the diagnosis of Non Hodgkin’s Follicular Lymphoma. My how time has flown by this treatment. I am on the eve of treatment #3. The halfway point on this leg of the journey. And as i look back on my previous posts, I was so ready for a vicious war with cancer. But what I have encountered is totally not what I thought it would be. To put it lighty, it seems to me that the cancer has layed down, played dead, holdig a white flag of surrender without much of a fight. Figurtively, I dont have a blemish on my armor, no scratches, dents, rust, or any other tainted substance. In fact, the biposy was harder to deal with than the cancer so far. Amazing. Hearing the stories that come along with the wars over the years fought by other warriors against this disease, I was prepared to take battling to a new level and coming up with defensive stratigies that I have yet had to implement. My wife jokingliy calls me a “super soldier”, but i refuse to dress up in red white and blue tights with a big “A” on my forehead. I’m more of a “Hulk …Smash” kid of guy! But, I’m very lucky.

My how time flies….

I know I know. I have done a horrible job in keeping up with this blog. Crazy how things can change as time goes by. But lets do a small recap on the sitch: I finished my chemo treatments in August and after a PET scan then and again at my 6 month mark in February, I show no cancerous activity where there was once masses! Now, I haven’t had a biopsy to confirm, but the doctor said with the progression that I have made with getting rid of this disease, he will not poke me to confirm and call it a partial remission. Which is fine with me. Not too much of a fan of biopsies and surgeries and poking an prodding. I have gained more scars this past year on my body than I have my entire lifetime, so the less needles and scalpels, the better. Now I do have to go to treatment once every 3 months for the maintenance drug Rituxan, but that is nothing compared to the deadly chemo sessions. A little fatigue for a day or two, then right back to normal. Reflecting on the past year, my body (and psyche) took a pounding, but I am resilient, tough, and battle tested. I feel like I came out of this way on top. In fact at different points during the sessions, I found myself saying sometimes “that is all you got?” Now, this is not to say that i don’t have aches and pains that I feel is associated with all I went through. There are some days all I want to do is lie in bed and call for a do-over. But as always, I push forward and go about my daily routines. Work 50 hours a week as a manager, come home and be all I can for my family, and try to find time for extra stuff.

Quote of the Day

“Everyone who’s ever taken a shower has an idea. It’s the person who gets out of the shower, dries off and does something about it who makes a difference.”
— Nolan Buhnell

Patiently waiting….

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

That quote pretty much sums up how things are going for me. Patience is a friend of mine and during most issues and problems that have arose during life, patience is key. And you can’t have patience without time. Sometimes to a fault, I give every situation patience and time. I try not to base judgments or concerns on knee-jerk reactions, giving it the proper time to see if it will work itself out in the long run. In most instances, things smooth themselves out with little reaction, ending peacefully and content. Now that doesn’t go to say that changes (sometimes huge) are not made during the course, but if you give it ample opportunity, the correct decision presents itself and trial and error are no longer required.  Too many people today want results instantaneously, with no recourse or remorse. Those are the people who  lose $1 billion in a transaction gone awry. Who bet against the house, go all in,  and lose it all. Some might argue high risk, high reward. And for some people, that may be what suits their fancy. But most times, more than often in life, they live a crash-n-burn moment that could possibly scar them for life. Decisions that don’t have to be made so hastily, but are made with instantaneous, unthought out processes that affect not only the person involved, but many innocent bystanders in life. Time and patience could have changed the outcome and the ripple effects that soon follow.

To be able to have this patience while dealing with my condition, it takes a great deal of coming to grips with what life has put in front of you. People have said that this is cruel and unfair. That they don’t understand how Joe Schmo down the road can drink and smoke two packs of cigarettes a day for 20 years and not have had to deal with the effects of cancer. Yet someone like me, who has never smoked, drinks socially maybe 4 times a year, and tries to lead a pretty straight-laced life, has been placed upon his doorstep Stage IV Follicular Lymphoma.  Why you, they ask?  You are one of the nicest, caring, devoted people we know.  You don’t deserve this. This is not right, why are you being punished?  Want to know what I say about that?

Why not?

Granted, no one should have to feel the effects of this disease. It is an ordeal that no person or family should have to encounter in their lives. In a nutshell, cancer friggin sucks!! But I look at is if, maybe I am the perfect person for this to happen to. I’m young, other than weight, my body is in good health, no addictions to anything. I have a tremendous support system, a great understanding boss and job, my family is living comfortably. I have kick ass insurance that is paying 90 percent of the treatment. I have the drive, determination, focus, poise, and im downright a bad mother.. shut yo mouth! Everything in life, down to the crossing of t’s and the dotting of i’s, is a part of God’s plan. I accept the challenge that God has presented me with grace and determination. I’m literally not taking this lying down, fighting ever step of the way. And so far, I am a poster child of what a good session of chemotherapy should be for an individual. It is day 30 and I haven’t tossed my cookies once, lost my hair, and other than a handful of days, been at work and living quite a normal life. I’m quite shocked and still braced for impact just in case it takes a turn for the worse, but I can honestly say I feel 80-90 percent normal. My body’s recovery time has been remarkable and if I do have a bad day, I sleep it off, get up the next day with a renewed vigor to conquer the day and make up for lost time. Now, as I type this, I am knocking on some major wood, because i know things can change in an instance and you must have a game plan in place when things don’t go as expected.  But I feel that one of the big reasons why I am handling this with such awesomeness, is that I have accepted it, embraced my circumstances. And acceptance is the answer to all life’s problems. I have an employee that is battling a different, but otherwise consuming disease that showed me some passages from a book he holds dear to his heart…

“.. acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork, I am saying that I know better than God.”- Alcoholics Anonymous

Another passage that struck me..

“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”

Makes ya think, doesn’t it? When you stop absorbing yourself in the problem and began structuring your path and embracing the solution, the problems can dissipate into thin air. Truly makes you feel that mind can truly overpower matter. Something to let you ponder over. Let it marinate.

So as I patiently wait for my treatments to continue, I know that the two mightiest warriors in my arsenal for battle are time and patience.  I got all day and I won’t give up!

It’s been …one week since you looked at me…..

Ahh. Another milestone reached. It brings forth a sense of accomplishment if you have goals/milestones set before your path on any journey. Landmarks, if you will, that help identify where you are, where you are going, and where you’ve been. On this journey, the big landmarks are each round of chemo accomplished, new scans to see if progression has been made to rid myself of this disease, and the big finale, remission. But along the path will be milestones that don’t have too much relevance, but should be noted to help with positive reinforcement that everything is moving forward. Which is where we are at now. Its been one week officially since my first treatment and it has been a very positive one indeed. My body has responded overall very well to all that it has been put through and I actually feel quasi normal. I haven’t had many of the “bad” side effects that are labeled with chemo, at least not on this leg of the relay. Now mind you, I’m not feeling cocky and walking around with a swagger, thinking I am gonna come out of this unscathed.  Well, maybe a little. I don’t mind to get my “swag on”, but I do know that this is just the beginning of the path into the deep dark forest. But, I’m not as worried..scared of what lies ahead. I feel that the reason why I have such a positive outlook on it is in the way I focus on things. I put my focus on other points of matter than on the cancer. When I was a kid, I always used this tactic when walking home as it was getting dark. I would put my focus on singing a song, drumming a beat, thinking of something entirely different than the darkness looming on the horizon. I would sometimes bring my focus to streetlights and mark them as my milestones to get me through until I reached the safe haven of home. I found if I didn’t think about it being dark and the terrors that could present themselves if I focused on it, I wouldn’t be scared. I never looked back, just kept pushing through making sure I made each marker and telling myself I only had a few more to go before I get home. Even at a young age, making goals and achieving them helped me get through the most difficult times. And I know during this journey, I’m using the basics that I did back then. I could totally get caught up with the “terrors” of chemo/cancer and let it consume me with fear. But I am putting focus back on other things to keep my mind entertained as I travel through this difficult time. Hitting each landmark and milestone, reminding myself that as I reach them, I only have a few more to make before I reach safe haven. No looking back, focusing on the future and continuously pushing through. Sometimes, it’s the simple logic of a child that can conquer the toughest of situations.  So, here is to my one week down, 17 more to go. Pray that my body, mind, and spirit hold up as well as it did through the first.

 

All quiet on the western front…

Well, as you can tell by the title of this post, things have been relatively quiet since we last spoke. I did have a great Sunday lunch with my family at my sister’s new house. You can tell that we all have a culinary thumb and love to cook some good food. The bounty set before us was a blessing and I can’t say thanks enough that I still can taste and appreciate all the southern delectables that left me full as a tick! Afterwards, I was given the honor of being able to be hypnotized by my Aunt Gwenda to help  promote self-healing and to bless all that enters my body from its beginnings. It was a very energizing and awesome experience and it helped put a lot of perspective on life. I am at a real good spot now and I feel really good about things. One where if I was dealing with this concern at any other time, I would not be as positive and uplifted as I am now. In fact, I felt so good that I went back in to work on Monday. And even though there were aches and pains I fought throughout the day, I pushed through so that I could help try to make a difference in someone’s life. That’s my job, one that I love by the way, to bring a frown upside down. Customer Service in a nutshell. You never know when a smile and Have a Nice Day will change someone’s outlook on the day. Maybe even their lives. And I always live by the rule treat others as you would want to be treated. So I try to spread happiness one smile at a time to those I encounter. Its times like these that let me know I’m going to make it through all this and come back bigger, badder, and better than ever. Yes, life is good..