Patiently waiting….

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

That quote pretty much sums up how things are going for me. Patience is a friend of mine and during most issues and problems that have arose during life, patience is key. And you can’t have patience without time. Sometimes to a fault, I give every situation patience and time. I try not to base judgments or concerns on knee-jerk reactions, giving it the proper time to see if it will work itself out in the long run. In most instances, things smooth themselves out with little reaction, ending peacefully and content. Now that doesn’t go to say that changes (sometimes huge) are not made during the course, but if you give it ample opportunity, the correct decision presents itself and trial and error are no longer required.  Too many people today want results instantaneously, with no recourse or remorse. Those are the people who  lose $1 billion in a transaction gone awry. Who bet against the house, go all in,  and lose it all. Some might argue high risk, high reward. And for some people, that may be what suits their fancy. But most times, more than often in life, they live a crash-n-burn moment that could possibly scar them for life. Decisions that don’t have to be made so hastily, but are made with instantaneous, unthought out processes that affect not only the person involved, but many innocent bystanders in life. Time and patience could have changed the outcome and the ripple effects that soon follow.

To be able to have this patience while dealing with my condition, it takes a great deal of coming to grips with what life has put in front of you. People have said that this is cruel and unfair. That they don’t understand how Joe Schmo down the road can drink and smoke two packs of cigarettes a day for 20 years and not have had to deal with the effects of cancer. Yet someone like me, who has never smoked, drinks socially maybe 4 times a year, and tries to lead a pretty straight-laced life, has been placed upon his doorstep Stage IV Follicular Lymphoma.  Why you, they ask?  You are one of the nicest, caring, devoted people we know.  You don’t deserve this. This is not right, why are you being punished?  Want to know what I say about that?

Why not?

Granted, no one should have to feel the effects of this disease. It is an ordeal that no person or family should have to encounter in their lives. In a nutshell, cancer friggin sucks!! But I look at is if, maybe I am the perfect person for this to happen to. I’m young, other than weight, my body is in good health, no addictions to anything. I have a tremendous support system, a great understanding boss and job, my family is living comfortably. I have kick ass insurance that is paying 90 percent of the treatment. I have the drive, determination, focus, poise, and im downright a bad mother.. shut yo mouth! Everything in life, down to the crossing of t’s and the dotting of i’s, is a part of God’s plan. I accept the challenge that God has presented me with grace and determination. I’m literally not taking this lying down, fighting ever step of the way. And so far, I am a poster child of what a good session of chemotherapy should be for an individual. It is day 30 and I haven’t tossed my cookies once, lost my hair, and other than a handful of days, been at work and living quite a normal life. I’m quite shocked and still braced for impact just in case it takes a turn for the worse, but I can honestly say I feel 80-90 percent normal. My body’s recovery time has been remarkable and if I do have a bad day, I sleep it off, get up the next day with a renewed vigor to conquer the day and make up for lost time. Now, as I type this, I am knocking on some major wood, because i know things can change in an instance and you must have a game plan in place when things don’t go as expected.  But I feel that one of the big reasons why I am handling this with such awesomeness, is that I have accepted it, embraced my circumstances. And acceptance is the answer to all life’s problems. I have an employee that is battling a different, but otherwise consuming disease that showed me some passages from a book he holds dear to his heart…

“.. acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork, I am saying that I know better than God.”- Alcoholics Anonymous

Another passage that struck me..

“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”

Makes ya think, doesn’t it? When you stop absorbing yourself in the problem and began structuring your path and embracing the solution, the problems can dissipate into thin air. Truly makes you feel that mind can truly overpower matter. Something to let you ponder over. Let it marinate.

So as I patiently wait for my treatments to continue, I know that the two mightiest warriors in my arsenal for battle are time and patience.  I got all day and I won’t give up!

Round 1 TKO…

Had my first chemo round and so far, knocking on some serious wood, I’m actually feeling pretty good. Took a few punches of fatigue and a headache, plus woke up this morning feeling like I had a hangover, but all in all I think a TKO has to go to me. John Marsh 1- fNHL 0!! I was told by the nurse that administered the PET scan on me that I was very young to see such a widespread version of Follicular Lymphoma in a patient and that usually those that he did help were in their later years. It was very evident in the chemo room that everyone else was pretty much twice my age, so that left an eerie feeling, but it was all good. The nurses were amazing and very helpful. They made my stay there as comfortable as it could be. You could tell they had good camaraderie and have been doing this for quite a while. You must have nerves of steel to be able to do that kind of work. To know that you have to administer things into one body to kill off the good and the bad in order for the patient to return to better health. And the least amount of difference in dosage could result in life or death. I admire those that go out of their way to make sure that life can go on for so many. I have a couple of sisters that have been/are in the medical field and I genuinely have the utmost respect in those that can put their lives on hold in order to save another. I salute you. You are the reason that I give this world hope. Because to do all that, you have to hold steadfast and believe in the miracles that can and will happen throughout life.

Now I know that the prednisone that was prescribed to me is probably the reason I feel as good as I do, so I am making sure I don’t overdo it. I am back at work (a surprise to my employees and myself), but I am conducting it at half speed so I keep a agood steady recovery. The perks of being a manager I  you can delegate everything to everyone else and sit back and watch if needed. But if you know me, I can’t let that happen totally, so I have dabbled in washing some dishes and doing some clean up. It’s a good thing I have a great assistant manager helping me out through the process. She has held the store up well in my absence and keeps impressing me as time goes by. As long as she keeps up this pace, she will have a store to manage for herself in no time! Now, the docs did say that more than likely with this heavy dose of chemo im getting, I will lose my hair, so it’s all coming off again coming up this weekend. I will post a pic of the finished results. But if this is all that I have to worry about, this just might turn out to be another day at the office. Meet this head on, slay the dragon, and put its head up on my mantle to show that with positive outlook, determination, confidence, and mostly support, I can overcome any obstacle.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. Its people like you that bring hope to the world and peace to the heart.

Good Times Bad Times, you know I’ve had my share….

It has been a surreal month. This marks day 28 from finding out the news from my family doctor, and my how these days have gone by. Some of them swept by quicker than a gust of wind, yet some seemed to roll past slower than molasses. In those days, I have become more educated of what is on the horizon, but I have also become more in tune with my past. There have been multiple times in my life where I have taken so much for granted, yet was so oblivious at the moment it happened that I didn’t appreciate it for what it was. They always have said that hind sight is 20/20 so we always we can remember and reflect. It’s those times in life that help mold us into the men and women that we are today, because we can learn from our mistakes, help find ways to improve our future, and the have the ability to relish in our moments of victory and triumph. It is what essentially makes up who you are. Good times and the bad. Each moment transforms us into something different than yesterday, which in turn will make us different from tomorrow. So, essentially we do grow daily whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. Some more than others, but everyone goes through changes in their lives that will have drastic outcomes to their futures and those that they come in contact with. For me, this is a physical transformation that has changed the playing field of my life. But I’m not letting this stop me from living by no means. When weather changes in football, they don’t stop the game. They make adjustments. The playing field gets sloppy at times and can cause it to become very difficult to move forward. But they never stop trying. They keep churning and doing everything in their power to keep progressing and not fall back. That has been and always will be my outlook on life. Keep churning, no matter what obstacles lie in your path. There are always ways to get through or around most obstacles that presents itself. You just have to be keen on making the proper adjustments at the most opportune moment to see the most success. Now, that is not to say that there are not times when the only approach to an obstacle is to meet it head on and take the long hard road over it.  But when you meet this challenge and accept it whole-heartedly, you will most likely come to find that you will not walk that path alone. There will be droves of people, past and present, that are here for you and will be with you every step of the way. I have always lived by the golden rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. And I believe in doing so, it has shown itself ten-fold since I found out about my cancer. Friends from now ,back to highschool, family from all over, and even old employers have all said if there is anything they can do, they would to help out. It is more overwhelming than my sickness (in a good way!) and I am very glad to know that I have had such a great influence in this world, whether it be in passing or in enjoying special precious moments in life, with people. It truly humbles me. I know this is probably one of the most daunting tasks that I have ever had to deal with, but I find comfort knowing that I will not be confronting this alone. I have people who are there for me. Good Times and Bad Times….next week the official start on the road of overcoming this disease and the start of my chemotherapy. Wish me luck!