Patiently waiting….

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

That quote pretty much sums up how things are going for me. Patience is a friend of mine and during most issues and problems that have arose during life, patience is key. And you can’t have patience without time. Sometimes to a fault, I give every situation patience and time. I try not to base judgments or concerns on knee-jerk reactions, giving it the proper time to see if it will work itself out in the long run. In most instances, things smooth themselves out with little reaction, ending peacefully and content. Now that doesn’t go to say that changes (sometimes huge) are not made during the course, but if you give it ample opportunity, the correct decision presents itself and trial and error are no longer required.  Too many people today want results instantaneously, with no recourse or remorse. Those are the people who  lose $1 billion in a transaction gone awry. Who bet against the house, go all in,  and lose it all. Some might argue high risk, high reward. And for some people, that may be what suits their fancy. But most times, more than often in life, they live a crash-n-burn moment that could possibly scar them for life. Decisions that don’t have to be made so hastily, but are made with instantaneous, unthought out processes that affect not only the person involved, but many innocent bystanders in life. Time and patience could have changed the outcome and the ripple effects that soon follow.

To be able to have this patience while dealing with my condition, it takes a great deal of coming to grips with what life has put in front of you. People have said that this is cruel and unfair. That they don’t understand how Joe Schmo down the road can drink and smoke two packs of cigarettes a day for 20 years and not have had to deal with the effects of cancer. Yet someone like me, who has never smoked, drinks socially maybe 4 times a year, and tries to lead a pretty straight-laced life, has been placed upon his doorstep Stage IV Follicular Lymphoma.  Why you, they ask?  You are one of the nicest, caring, devoted people we know.  You don’t deserve this. This is not right, why are you being punished?  Want to know what I say about that?

Why not?

Granted, no one should have to feel the effects of this disease. It is an ordeal that no person or family should have to encounter in their lives. In a nutshell, cancer friggin sucks!! But I look at is if, maybe I am the perfect person for this to happen to. I’m young, other than weight, my body is in good health, no addictions to anything. I have a tremendous support system, a great understanding boss and job, my family is living comfortably. I have kick ass insurance that is paying 90 percent of the treatment. I have the drive, determination, focus, poise, and im downright a bad mother.. shut yo mouth! Everything in life, down to the crossing of t’s and the dotting of i’s, is a part of God’s plan. I accept the challenge that God has presented me with grace and determination. I’m literally not taking this lying down, fighting ever step of the way. And so far, I am a poster child of what a good session of chemotherapy should be for an individual. It is day 30 and I haven’t tossed my cookies once, lost my hair, and other than a handful of days, been at work and living quite a normal life. I’m quite shocked and still braced for impact just in case it takes a turn for the worse, but I can honestly say I feel 80-90 percent normal. My body’s recovery time has been remarkable and if I do have a bad day, I sleep it off, get up the next day with a renewed vigor to conquer the day and make up for lost time. Now, as I type this, I am knocking on some major wood, because i know things can change in an instance and you must have a game plan in place when things don’t go as expected.  But I feel that one of the big reasons why I am handling this with such awesomeness, is that I have accepted it, embraced my circumstances. And acceptance is the answer to all life’s problems. I have an employee that is battling a different, but otherwise consuming disease that showed me some passages from a book he holds dear to his heart…

“.. acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork, I am saying that I know better than God.”- Alcoholics Anonymous

Another passage that struck me..

“When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away.”

Makes ya think, doesn’t it? When you stop absorbing yourself in the problem and began structuring your path and embracing the solution, the problems can dissipate into thin air. Truly makes you feel that mind can truly overpower matter. Something to let you ponder over. Let it marinate.

So as I patiently wait for my treatments to continue, I know that the two mightiest warriors in my arsenal for battle are time and patience.  I got all day and I won’t give up!

Licking my wounds, but battle ready…

Well, back and ready for more, so to speak. The first round has been a test, but so far, I am doing pretty darn good. Now, I know that this is the beginning, just the break of daylight onto this long journey of hills and valleys. But I feel I am battle tested and ready for war. The last couple of days have shown more decent times than low. On Wed., I just had a bad headache and had to crash early, just tired emotionally and physically. Thurs., I got up, took my steroids and faced the day and went to work, feeling at about 70 percent. It felt good to get out and put forth an effort to show that I am one tough SOB, provide for my family, and bring forth a sense of accomplishment for myself that, yes, I can (and will) beat this disease. But as I got home, my body caught up with me, and I crashed early. Before, I went to bed though, I decided I would take the next day off and a different approach to the game. I knew the steroids helped boost my energy, so instead of taking all four pills at once, I took two in the morning and two in the mid afternoon. Now, on Friday, it started out okay, but as it got close to 11 am, I started to feel drained, so slept I did. Got me a good hour in before my brother Larry and my wife woke me up with some phone calls. But it felt good. And after I filled my belly with a chicken salad sandwich, a pickle, and a Heath Bar cookie, I began to feel more like my old self. So, for the next hour or two, I spent some r&r watching some soaps with the wife until my step-father arrived to help repair the rear window in my Durango. One of the best men I have ever met, I might add. He only has hours in a week to spend time home before leaving again to make ends meet. And he took time, out of his way, to make sure I didn’t have to worry about the window. But that is what real Dad’s do. They help take away the burdens when you cant fend for yourself. They protect their young. They go out of their way to make you feel good, appreciated. And they love you and will do anything for you, no matter what. I love you Paul. Thank you from the depths of heart for that you have and will do for me. You had a huge effect in my life that  helped molded me into the man I am today.

So, after a lazy Friday afternoon, we grabbed some movies, and vegged out for the rest of the night. I went to sleep with a calm over me feeling that I was getting over the worst of it so far. And as I woke this morning, I was not so foggy headed, didn’t feel like I was sipping on the bottle too much the previous night, and had a better outlook on the day. My eldest bro, Jimi, texted me early in the morning and told me he was taking me out to lunch. It feels good to have family there for you just because. And as we munched on grub and talked about things, l was able to re-confirm what I have said from the beginning, WE’VE GOT THIS!!! My support system is strong, they are strapped up to the boot, ready to face this battle side by side with me, swords drawn and THEY will NOT give up this FIGHT!!! Thank you all, family and friends, for being here when I have needed you the most. I have never truly ever asked much out of anyone, but I am glad that in my time of need, I have people that have my back. Treat others like you would want to be treated. It comes back to bless you in the end! And now as I sit here, watching We Bought A Zoo with my family after grilling burgers and hot dogs in the rain, blogging about my events of life, I feel good. Feel good movie, feel good times, feel good moments. Puts a wonderful exclamation point on a great day with cancer. If only every day could end like this!